The Language of Uncommon Compassion: How to Talk to Someone With a Chronic Illness

“Kind words are like honey — sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.”

-Proverbs 16:24

Have you ever gone through a difficult time in life and felt like nothing could soothe the pain, and that you’re the only one going through it? Then, it happens. A kind word from a trusted friend, a loving family member, a wise mentor or even a perfect stranger comes out of the blue and you feel seen, heard and completely understood.

The situation at hand might not have an instant fix, but validation and support make all the difference to someone in pain — whether physical, mental or spiritual pain. In short, we all want to know we’re loved, and for those living with chronic and often hidden illnesses, feeling loved and supported is essential to their healing and whole health.

Words matter, and at AdventHealth, when we say we see, hear and care about the whole you, we mean it — because you matter. Let’s talk about the language of uncommon compassion and how you can extend words of love and healing to someone with a chronic illness, or to anyone who’s suffering. We’ll also point out some common faux pas of what not to say to someone in pain.

What Is Compassionate Language and Why Is It Important?

Living with a chronic illness like an autoimmune disease, metastatic cancer, heart disease, a neurological condition and so many more can be frightening, isolating and painful on their own, but add to that that many of these conditions can’t be seen visibly — only experienced by the individual.

Offering kindness and compassion through simple words and gestures can be a healing balm for a suffering person, while in contrast, invalidating, dismissive language can add salt to the wound.

Compassionate language is a way of talking that is kind, sensitive, considerate and respectful of another person’s inherent value and unique situation. Speaking uncommon compassion means you avoid words or phrases that are hurtful, insulting, belittling or presumptive.

“Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” -Ephesians 4:29

Here are a few simple, compassionate phrases that can help someone feel relief. It might even help the person engage in a deeper, cathartic conversation:

• Are you OK?
• Do you need to talk?
• How can I support you best?
• I'm listening
• I'm here to help
• I can only imagine how you must feel
• I care about you
• I'm here for you
• Tell me more
• That sounds so painful
• What can I do to help?
• What do you need right now?

Speaking with compassion can help others feel seen, heard, supported and connected. It can also help reduce the impact of stigmas surrounding hidden illnesses and disabilities, including mental illnesses, which can be just as physically debilitating as they are emotionally taxing.

Don’t forget, if you offer to support the person, make sure you follow through.

What Not to Say to Someone With a Chronic Illness

Sometimes a well-meaning friend or family member might say something that ends up feeling more hurtful than if they said nothing at all. Talking to someone in pain can be a delicate process that should be approached with sensitivity and the awareness that you can’t truly know what they’re feeling — physically or emotionally. But we don’t need to have gone through the exact same illness or type of pain to support someone who is facing a health challenge.

With that in mind, here are some common faux pas to not to say to someone with a chronic illness:

• You don’t look sick
• We’ve all been there
• We all have something like that
• I know how you feel
• You seem fine most of the time
• I wouldn’t want to take that medicine long-term
• Have you tried _________?
• It could be worse
• Everything is meant to be
• You’re too young (or old, etc.) to have that
• That happened to my friend and they’re fine
• It’s not that bad

All these statements have a few things in common. They minimize the person’s suffering, invalidate their personal experience and they pass judgment by focusing on outward appearances and stigmas rather than how the person feels — in body, mind and spirit.

The impact of hurtful words could be detrimental, making the person feel more alone, less believed and increase any feelings of hopelessness they might already have. Try to remember that it’s not about you and your experience and step into their shoes the best you can. Speaking and acting with uncommon compassion can make all the difference to someone’s whole health.

How Can Compassion Support Healing?

Can compassion truly heal in measurable ways? Spiritually speaking, Jesus’ healings always included compassion as the key component. To physically, mentally, spiritually or socially heal someone was preceded by his being moved by compassion, followed by the healing act itself.

And science aligns. Research shows that compassionate care and supportive relationships can have a tangible healing influence on patients with chronic illnesses in a variety of ways, including:

• Better coping
• Better health outcomes
• Decreased anxiety
• Decreased blood pressure
• Enhanced immune function
• Enhanced well-being
• Faster healing
• Improved heart rate variability
• Improved outlook
• Reduced inflammatory response
• Reduced psychobiological responses

With compassion as a driving force behind our ability to heal, it’s clear we’re created for being connected to community and caring for one another.

Whole-Person Care With Uncommon Compassion

At AdventHealth, Extending the Healing Ministry of Christ is our mission. That means treating every individual with the dignity and respect they deserve, speaking and interacting with kindness and warmth, and attending to every need at every step of each patient’s unique healing journey — every time.

Living with a chronic illness impacts all of you — body, mind and spirit. Our behavioral specialists are here to support you when you need a helping hand. Learn more here.