A Plan with a Purpose for Secret Pain - My Journey of Pregnancy Loss
Isaiah 61:3 (NIV) “and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”
I was just over 20 weeks pregnant on a business trip. Yet, there I was, alone, just me and my twin babies I was carrying, in the back of the ambulance in snowy Ohio. The Word of God was on repeat in my head whispering “I am with you always.” Alongside the reassurance were other questions in my head, “Where are they taking me? What is happening? Are my babies okay?” I was cool as a cucumber on the outside, but on the inside, my brain was going a mile a minute, gravely concerned for my babies. I wasn’t in any pain, but I was truly confused by what just happened. I could still feel my babies moving inside of me and the paramedics said all my vitals checked were okay. So, what just happened? As I was lifted out of the ambulance and carried into the emergency room, I remember a doctor stated they were using a strip to test the fluid that had gushed from me to determine whether I had peed myself or whether it was amniotic fluid from my babies. Unfortunately, it was amniotic fluid and they moved me right away to an ultrasound room. There were my babies! They were there on the screen once more, happy and rolling around living their best life inside me and they looked great. My precious Azaria and DJ, they both looked fine.
Little did I realize; this would be the final time I would see my babies on an ultrasound. The next time I would see them was when an L&D nurse rolled them into my room, 2 days later. In the little hospital bassinet with cute little knitted caps, swaddled tightly in hospital blankets, to hold them just once before they were taken away to be cremated.
The innermost parts of my soul were shattered as I held and whispered to my babies how much I loved them.
My hope was to never experience such heartbreak again, especially after the long infertility journey my husband and I endured with repeated failed fertility treatments.
Yet, there we were, finally pregnant once more, but only to hear another doctor say, “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.” Time literally stood still, and my heart began to race, at what felt like 1,000 beats per minute. I firmly requested, knowing it sounded like a quiver, “please, check again”. He turned the screen toward us and moved the probe around and around. This time, not only did we not hear a heartbeat, but we also did not see any movement. My baby was not moving.
The heartbreak of my pregnancy losses left me with so many questions –
Why did that happen?
Why me?
What did I do?
What caused this to happen again?
Will I ever be a mom someday?
God did you forget me?
It had been many years of trying to get pregnant and previous failed IVF attempts that I embarrassingly kept a secret from family and friends. My faith was tested to the brink and many times left me wondering if God had truly forgotten me. However, in His divine wisdom God had a Plan with a Purpose for my Pain.
While I fast forward through most of my journey that I detail in my new book, “The Secrets of Faith INFertility” in September 2012, I was admitted to AdventHealth (formally Florida Hospital). I had only been discharged a week prior with symptoms of excruciating pain that had been relieved only to have them reoccur again. My team of nurses and doctors who cared for me were beyond exceptional. Unknown to them and to me at the time of my admission I would be living at 601 E Rollins St. in the high-risk maternal fetal unit for the next 70+ days.
During this time, my faith in God was tested but also recharged and strengthened.
If I had to do it all over again AdventHealth for Women would still be my first choice for care during this strenuous time. My nurses and even the environmental services cleaning crew became like my second family. It was like I had a built-in on-site support system encouraging me daily, both physically and spiritually. My weekly excursions on my gurney to the ultrasound room brought excitement to simply be outside my room. My youthful transporters always had a smile making my time ‘outside’ an event to look forward to.
The unexpected, but fortunate reality was that my time in hospital did not become a pity party, but instead became a season of hope that included a baby shower, photo shoot, and the ability to work full-time from my hospital bed.
One year prior in October 2011, I wrote in my journal Isaiah 43:19. This verse clearly told me, “God is about to make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” It was as if God was speaking to me directly regarding my pregnancy losses. That despite everything looking as grim as a desert He was going to make a way to see me through it.
I also penned in my journal that day Hebrews 10:35–36 (NIV) “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised,” Hebrews 10:35–36 (NIV). “... but the righteous person will live by his faithfulness,” Habakkuk 2:4 (NIV).
With a whole lot of prayer, crazy faith, and endless hope alongside the exceptional care provided by the medical team at AdventHealth, Maternal Fetal Medicine care with Dr. Rachel Humphrey and OB/GYN team (especially Drs. Hill, Auffant, Boone, and Crider) in December 2012, I gave birth to my beautiful rainbow baby girl. I returned less than three years later and delivered my twin sons at 31 weeks who also received exceptional care while in the NICU at AdventHealth for Children.
It has taken several years to heal from losing my unforgettable precious babies. However, I have finally dismissed the blame and the shame of my infertility and pregnancy losses. I am now on a journey to bring hope to other mothers who are living these same experiences through my book - The Secrets of Faith INFertility: An Untold Journey of Faith, Fertility, and Favor.
It is my aspiration that my journey will serve as a light to build hope and bring joy to the hearts of mothers in waiting, knowing God has not forgotten you!
(For more on this journey with Tazz visit her website www.DoctorTazz.com , Instagram and Facebook at DoctorTazz)
